Victim’s Guide
Welcome to London’s transport network. Here is everything you need to know to survive it.
The Underground
The Circle Line is not a circle.
Survival tips
- 01Get an Oyster card — or just use contactless.
Your bank card or phone works at every gate and on every bus. There is no reason to queue at a machine.
- 02Stand on the right on escalators.
Stand on the right, walk on the left. This is non-negotiable. Violations will not result in a fine but will result in Londoners silently despising you for the rest of the journey.
- 03Do not hold the doors.
Another train is coming. It may take 2 minutes. Your connection is not worth the glares of 200 people.
- 04Mind the gap.
Some platforms — particularly on the Northern line — have a gap wide enough to cause genuine concern. Step carefully.
- 05It is extremely hot.
The Central line reaches 34°C in summer. The tube was built before air conditioning existed and retrofitting it is apparently impossible. Bring water.
- 06Rush hour is not for tourists.
Avoid travelling between 7–9am and 5–7pm on weekdays. The trains are full. Everyone is angry. You will be in the way.
- 07It stops at midnight.
The tube does not run all night — except Night Tube on selected lines on Friday and Saturday. Check before your last drink.
- 08Zones matter.
London is divided into Zones 1–9. Your fare depends on how many zones you cross, not how far you travel. Zone 1 is expensive.
Frequently asked
Why is the Central line always so hot?
Because it was built in 1900 and retrofitting air conditioning into a 19th-century clay tube is apparently impossible. You are travelling inside a Victorian oven. Bring water.
Why does the Circle line not go in a circle?
It was restructured in 2009 and extended into a spiral that terminates at Hammersmith. TfL elected not to rename it. The Circle line has not been a circle for fifteen years.
What do I do if my card is rejected at the gate?
Tap again, slightly more firmly and with less optimism. If rejected again, try a different reader. If still rejected, find a member of staff and accept that your journey is now longer.
Is there Wi-Fi on the tube?
At stations, yes. On the trains between stations, no. Consider this enforced mindfulness. Alternatively: a book.
Why is my train showing Good Service when it clearly isn't?
TfL's definition of Good Service means trains are running in some form. Whether they are on time, not rammed, or behaving reasonably is a separate matter entirely.